"Hey Eddy, I'd play you more minutes,but you're fat...you know, like this."

Kevin Durant: Hey, have we mentioned this kid is long yet? Well, he is. Like, really long. Unfortunately, "impressive length" does not necessarily equate to "good shooting percentage." Or even "mediocre shooting percentage." Or hell, even "bad but improving shooting percentage." Durant had the worst game of his rookie season last night, scoring 10 points (4-13), grabbing a single, lonely rebound, dishing out zero assists, and committing 4 turnovers. Through eight games, he's shooting an Adam Morrison-like 38 percent from the field. That's your 2007-08 Rookie of the Year, folks!

Season-openers are barely more meaningful than preseason games. Players are still working themselves into "game shape," coaches are still trying to determine the optimum eight or nine-man rotation, and everybody is just sort of trying to figure each other out and get it together. The upside is that the situation lends itself to plenty of stink-worthy performances we get to make fun of.

To be a Bobcat is to be unhappy.

"Got your nose!!
Larry Hughes: The Cavs dropped a 117-116 overtime decision to the Magic, despite a virtuoso 39/14/15 performance from Lebron James. Cleveland might have pulled this one out if Hughes hadn't shot a pathetic 2-12 from the field. This guy is making $12 million this season. Shouldn't he be able to make a jumpshot too?

Kris Humphries: The former Golden Gopher notched a one trillion in Toronto's 91-82 victory over Cleveland.

Fun fact: Lebron James' injury has cracked a hole in the Cav's lineup, and Eric Snow has responded with his best two games of the season: 2 points (0-1), 2 rebounds, and zero assists against the Raptors and 5 points (1-2), 2 rebounds, and 2 assists against the Celtics. Those 7 points give Snow 7 points on the season. The sky's the limit for this grizzled veteran.

Denver Nuggets defense: The Charlotte Bobcats are 20th in the league in scoring (95.4 PPG), but Denver let them score 119 points. That's the most points the Bobcats have scored since late last season, when they dropped 122 on the Wizards. Memo to the Nuggets: If you want to be legit, you can't let teams like Charlotte score 119 points on you. Still, despite all that, Denver would have won the game if not for...

Al Horford: Yeah, I know it was an accident and everything, but Horford's foul on T.J. Ford looked pretty bad. Not only that, it ended with Ford -- who missed the entire 2004-05 season after neck surgery -- getting carried off the floor on a stretcher. Ford is going to be hospitalized overnight, so we'll know more tomorrow, but Raptors spokesman Jim LaBumbard confirmed that Ford "had feeling in his upper and lower extremities when he was taken off the floor." So let's keep our fingers and toes crossed for this kid.

Note: Check out Hardwood Paroxysm each day for 15 reasons you should watch the current night's games. Most of what they have to say over there is completely crazy and only makes sense in a "24-hour drug bender" kind of way. In other words, it's totally awesome. Oh, you should also check out Introducing Liston, but only if you really want to get your freak on.

Detroit Pistons: The Pistons went 0-for-the-weekend after losing back-to-back games against the Lakers and Kings. That means Detroit has lost three of their last four games. Why? Simple: They've lost their defensive focus. After holding their first five opponents to 87.8 PPG, the Pistons have given up scores of 103, 102, 104, 103, and 105 to their last five opponents -- and that's including games against Seattle (99.4 PPG), Portland (93.7 PPG), and Sacramento (99.4). I'm not a mathematologist, but even I know that a team averaging just under 100 PPG can't give up more than that and win on a consistent basis.

Miami Heat: They went 0-for-the-weekend and have lost four in a row overall, dropping their record to a second-next to league-worst 8-23. On Friday night, Miami wasted a 48-point, 7-rebound, 11-assist performance by Dwyane Wade in dropping a 121-114 overtime decision to the Orlando Magic. Things got worse on Saturday night, when the Heat scored only 74 points in a 22-point loss to the Washington Wizards. Said Pat Riley after the game: "One positive point about tonight's game is that this is the last game of 2007. It's been a bad year."

Houston versus Atlanta: Who knew 20 in row could make me feel so nauseous. I already described this nightmare once...and I'm not sure I have the iron will necessary to do it again. So here's another take on it from Matt (via email) at Hardwood Paroxysm: "7:10 in the third. 43-43. Rockets shooting 28%, Hawks shooting 33%. Scola goes up, gets blocked. Goes up again, miss. Misses the tip. Misses the tip. Misses the tip. Dikembe grabs it. Goes up. Misses it. Is fouled. Rafer Alston drives, goes baseline, runs out of room. Jumps, goes nowhere underneath the basket, and somehow manages to underthrow on the pass to a guy under the basket. It's like watching paraplegics play tether-ball. Make it end."

Jeremy Richardson: A mere 9 seconds of playing time. He must be the new Mario West. (Mario got 7 minutes and 37 seconds. Go Mario!)

Here's TSF's NBA Power Rankings as of 12/11.

1. San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs have been impressive even without Tim Duncan. Manu Ginobli is looking to be the sixth man of the year as he scored 37 points twice in back to back wins over the Mavs and Jazz. The Spurs have been themselves lately, playing team basketball, winning, and holding opponents to 92.5 ppg, plus they're on a 5 game winning streak and have won 11 of their last 12.
2. Boston Celtics

"Yeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrgggghh!!"
Kyle Korver: The hero of the 76ers big road win against the Bucks became the goat in the team's homecourt flameout against the Jazz. After scoring 20 points (8-13) on Tuesday night, Korver scored only 4 points (1-9) against the Jazz. He was also limited to 21 minutes thanks to his 5 personal fouls. Of course, the real villain of the game was the 76ers defense, which allowed the Jazz to shoot 55 percent from the field. Said coach Maurice Cheeks: "We talked before the game about eliminating layups and they (Jazz) had 20-plus layups. That's something I'm trying to stop." Better luck next time, coach Cheeks.

The New York Knicks: It's bad - but sort of expected - when the Madison Square Garden crowd starts chanting for James Dolan to finally put Isiah Thomas out of the Knicks' misery. But it goes from "sad" to "tragically sad" when the "Fire Isiah" chant picks up steam on the road. And that's what happened last night in Philadelphia during during the Sixers' 40-point drubbing of Team Dysfunction. Did New York just roll over and die on defense? Well, Philly shoots 45 percent from the field and averages about 94 PPG on the year. Last night, they shot 57 percent and had 102 points by the end of the third quarter. This is how badly things went for the Knicks: Human victory cigar Gordan Giricek played the entire fourth quarter.

Isiah Thomas: The Baby-faced Assassin sunk to a new low, even for him, placing the blame for last night's stink bomb directly on the broad and pudgy shoulders of twin towers Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph. Said Isiah: "My guy's minds were elsewhere."

"Hey...do my tonsils look okay to you?"

Bobby Simmons: Back in August of 2005, fresh off a breakout season in which he was honored as the NBA's Most Improved Player, Simmons signed a five-year, $47 million dollar contract with Milwaukee, and everybody in the Bucks organization was flipping their lids. General Manager Larry Harris said, "Bobby is an extremely versatile player and adds depth to our roster at a number of positions. He can score from anywhere on the court, he's a very tough defender and he wants to win.

The Knicks offense: They scored 92 points on 38 percent shooting (30-79) and committed 18 turnovers. During the second quarter, the Knicks went nearly 11 minutes without a field goal. And I feel the need to point out the obvious here: An NBA quarter is only 12 minutes long. New York bricked 10 shots during that 11-minute Gulag. It very rarely gets any uglier than that.

Fun fact: The Knicks are last in the league in assists (17.2).

The Miami Heat: After the Heat's 96-85 loss to the 76ers, Dwyane Wade said: ""It's tough to lose, but it's tougher to be the worst team in the Eastern Conference. You don't know what you're going to see from one night to the next." That statement was so stunning that I actually had to go and double-check the standings, and it's true: Miami (8-21) has the worst record in the Eastern Conference, and second worst (to Minnesota) in the league. They were the 2006 NBA champions, and now they're en route to a possible top three pick in the 2008 NBA Draft Lottery.

Memphis Grizzlies defense: Were they even trying to stop the Mavs last night? Dallas shot almost 54 percent from the field and nearly 42 percent from beyond the arc, and they outrebounded Memphis 47-33. In Memphis. Look, I know it's depressing to play for the Grizzlies, but come on now. You're all professionals. Well, sort of.

Brian Cardinal: The Custodian actually got into a game on Friday night, playing six minutes against the Sonics and contributing zero points, zero rebounds, zero assists, zero...well, you get the idea. He did miss two shots, though.

Personal anecdote: Believe it or not, I once attended the same Sports and Literature class as Brian Cardinal. Each day, he'd arrive at class (usually five or six minutes after the bell), walk to the last desk in the back corner of the room, flop down with a loud groan, and go straight to sleep. Sometimes he'd even snore. Mind you, this wasn’t a 7 a.m. class or anything. It was held in the afternoon.

Jamaal Tinsley: The Pacers were without their starting point guard for what seems like the bajillionth time over the last few years. In this instance, the problem was a sore knee. Which, strangely enough, is what's been keeping Jermaine O'Neal in street clothes. That's how not durable Tinsley and O'Neal have become; they can actually catch injuries from each other like they're passing a bad head cold back and forth. I think it's about time to change this guy's name from Tinsley to Paper Machesly.