Worst of the Night: March 11, 2008

Bobby Simmons and Charlie Bell: I know that I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: Simmons was Milwaukee's big free agent signing in the summer of 2005 (5 years, $49 million), and Bell was resigned - against his will, no less - by the Bucks last summer (five years, $18 million). I'm no financeologist, but the Bucks aren't getting much of a return on their two huge (and seemingly foolish) investments. Last night, Bell scored 6 points on 2-for-10 shooting and Simmons barely missed a seven trillion by bricking a shot and grabbing a single rebound. Memo to self: Contact Bucks management and ask if they'd like to invest in some rural Indiana swamp land; describe as a nice "fixer upper" opportunity.

Nick Young: The Washington rookie scored a career-high 22 points on, like, nine dunks in a win over the Bucks. But he decided to give the stink-eye to Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut, who -- according to the Associated Press -- "knocked the rookie guard aside like a rag doll." Here's some advice, rook: Guards should not challenge big men. Unless it's Shawn Bradley, and he's not even in the league anymore.

Seattle SuperSonics: I know the Sonics aren't exactly defensive stalwarts -- they're ranked sixth in the league at 105 PPG allowed -- but last night they let Mike Dunleavy Jr. beat them with 32 points on 10-for-16 shooting. And he had an ankle injury! I have a few simple rules that I live by, and one of them is this: Never trust a team that let's Mike Dunleavy Jr. pull a Willis Reed on them.

Donyell Marshall and Francisco Elson: When you're traded to a really lousy team -- in this case, the 16-win SuperSonics -- and you still can't get any PT, chances are you're about 18 games away from being out of the league. Here's hoping D-Marsh and Geico both both invested in a nice 401K plan.

Jarrett Jack: Somebody must have replaced this kid's shooting eye with a glass marble, or maybe an old radish. JJ hit only one of his eight shots last night. He's 13-for-41 (31 percent) in the month of March.

Antoine Walker: You might have missed this -- I know I did -- but Kevin McHale didn't buy out Walker's contract. That means Employee #8 is still a Timberwolf. And it might shock you to discover this, but he's not happy about it. "Obviously, they're rebuilding, and obviously I'm not in the future plans, so I felt like maybe there was an opportunity for me to leave. They wanted money back that I wasn't willing to give back. It didn't work out that way. We'll just have to play it out, six weeks, and then we'll see what happens in the summer." Walker, who's averaging 8 PPG on 36 percent shooting, is making $8.5 million this season. He said that the team "low-balled" him, offering a buyout he felt was unreasonable and "ridiculous, actually." The only thing that would be ridiculous would be offering Walker anything more than cab fare and a few Rainbow Brite stickers. But here's some good news for 'Toine fans: His official Web site is coming soon! Personally, I can't wait.


Utah Jazz: One of the most dangerous obstacles in the NBA is what's known as The Trap Game, where a good team plays poorly and drops a game to an inferior team on the road. And that's what happened to the Jazz last night against the Bulls. Utah shot 42 percent, got outrebounded, and turned the ball over 17 times (to 18 assists). Said Jazz coach Jerry Sloan: "They beat us with points in the paint (48-34). They drove down the middle. We got out of the way and let them shoot layups. They were the aggressors from the beginning and we never did get to that point. We just tried to outscore them." Not good. The Jazz can't afford many more of these brainfarts. One loss is the equivalent of three or four losses in this crazy Western Conference playoff race.

Jim Boylan: Despite the constant and open rebellion of crappy players like Aaron Gray, Chris Duhon, and Tyrus Thomas, Boylan is, amazingly, still trying to keep his job. Personally, I think he should just resign and try something a little less stressful, like poisonous food taste tester, or wild animal masturbator, which, according to Popular Science, can be accomplished in a variety of ways, from ramming an electric probe up an animal's rectum, shoving an artificial vagina onto the animal's penis, or simply doing it the old-fashioned way...manual stimulation. All I'm saying, Jim, is that you should probably keep your options open. Anyway, Boylan obviously took a course in Coaching Platitudes 101, which enabled him to make the following statement after the Bulls inexplicably stunned the Jazz: "When people question our team, I respond that we have guys in the locker room with a lot of character who care about their craft and work at it. The guys were hurt the last couple days. There were a lot of things swirling around our team, and no one likes to see that stuff in the paper. This is a basketball team, not a soap opera." Too bad. At least all the drama would actually make sense on a soap opera.

The "ironmen" on the Phoenix Suns bench: Even though this video is sure to appear on every basketball-related Web site and blog in the universe, my favorite Phoenix Suns fan asked me to post it...and I never say "no" to a Suns fan. (Don't get any funny ideas, starang.) Quick explanation: Shaq goes running toward his team's bench in hot pursuit of a loose ball, and those dudes scrambled out of the way like a bunch of 10-year-old girls. Actually, I take that back, since it's an insult to 10-year-old girls everywhere. Now, here's the video:


Vladimir Radmanovic: The Radman finally cracked the Lakers' starting lineup and immediately proved why he hadn't already been in the Lakers' starting lineup: Zero points (0-for-5) and 1 personal foul in 19 minutes. Don't worry though, Vlad. Coby Karl saved a nice spot on the end of the bench for you.

Ginger Grant: Fans of Gilligan's Island probably already know this, but the "Ginger versus Mary Ann" debate took a stuning turn in the Mary Ann direction yesterday when Dawn Wells, the actress who played the hillbilly hottie, was arrested for reckless driving, possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, and driving under the influence. Wells' official cover story is that she picked up some hitchhikers and then kicked them out when they started smoking something, although a friend of hers also told her lawyer that he left the drugs in the car when he borrowed it earlier that day. Whatever. There's no shame in being a party girl.

Center for Disease Control and Prevention: Don't you just hate it when a federal health organization has to rain all over the free love parade? The CDC just released a study which found that at least one in every four American teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. This means that we can no longer trust our naughty teens to be clean and innocent. Turns out that they're only naughty. And here's another shocker that's based on nothing more than my own personal observations during random Internet searches: Some, if not most of them, aren't even teens!