Worst of the Night: The Kobe Bryant Super Fan Edition

Are you tired of the same old boring, repetitive formula in these stupid "Worst of the Night" posts? We know we are. So we've kidnapped Basketbawful and locked him in a room where he's being forced -- Clockwork Orange-style -- to watch highlights of the greatest player to ever come into contact with a round ball covered in dead cow skin: Kobe Bean Bryant. So, for one day at least, you won't have to put up with the mindless hate and jealousy this guy pukes forth day after day after day after day. And you'll get some real basketball insight from somebody who actually watches NBA games instead of sitting around in his parent's basement defiling Kobe Bryant bobblehead dolls with his dark voodoo arts.

The Golden State Warriors: The Warriors are currently the eighth seed in the Western Conference. This means that, if the playoffs started in April, they'd have to play the number one seed...the Los Angeles Lakers! Do you think a leaderless team that gets their butts handed to them by the Charlotte Bobcats has a snowflake's chance in a pottery kiln against a team that's guided by one of history's greatest leaders? Here's the answer: No way, Jose! You know what else I hate about this team? They're named after that stupid movie Shaq's always quoting. Well, Shaq, now that you're a Phoenix Sun and they suck bunghole, CAN YOU DIG IT?!

Fun fact: Here's a short list of history's most distinguished leaders, from great to greatest: Pope John Paul II, Kobe Bryant (1996-97 through 1998-99), Franklin Roosevelt, Kobe Bryant (1999-00 through 2002-03), Ho Chi Minh, Kobe Bryant (2003-04 through 2006-07), Mohandas Gandhi, and Kobe Bryant (2007-08).

Marco Belinelli and C.J. Watson: These "Warriors" each played 42 seconds and didn't do a single thing except take up space and waste perfectly breathable oxygen that should have been saved for someone more deserving, like, say, DJ Mbenga or Coby Karl. Do you think that Kobe would ever be blanked, even if he played less than a minute? That would never happen! You'd better believe that Kobe would find a way to drop 30 in that 42 seconds. We're talking about a man who would rip out his own intestines with a fork to win, and anybody who could perform evisceration on himself with an eating utensil could do anything.

The Washington Wizards: They lost by 30 at home to the Orlando Magic. Man, they weren't even trying to win. You'd better believe Kobe wouldn't put up with that crap if he was on that team. If you suit up in the same locker room with Kobe, you'd better bring it or he'll get your ass traded, like Shaq and Andrew Bynum. Well, Bynum would have been traded if he hadn't followed Kobe's lead and gotten his act together. You'd better be taking your rehab seriously, Andrew Bynum! Kobe's watching you!

Fun fact: Hey, Gilbert Arenas, why does your team suck so bad? Oh, wait. You're not even playing. "Boo, hoo, I'm Gilbert Arenas and I had knee surgery. Wah!" While you're sitting at home playing World of Warcraft and blogging about Jose Calderon, Kobe's playing through a very painful and emotionally traumatic pinkie injury! And he's not just chucking up shots like some would-be superstars, he's playing like an MVP and making everybody around him better, even worthless losers like Pau Gasol. Remember last year when you dropped 60 on the Lakers in L.A. and some stupid people started saying you were as good as Kobe? Ha! That was a long time ago, wasn't it Agent Zero?!

The Miami Heat: Hey, Pat Riley, ever hear of the term "karma"? Since I'm sure you're busy applying hair gel and celebrating the past when you were actually relevant, I'll tell you: Karma is the bad stuff that happens to people who do bad things. Well, your team fell to 11-47 after getting a little "don't drop the soap" treatment from the Toronto Dinosaurs. Sorry, but that's what happens when you cheat your way to an NBA title by paying off the refs. How does that karma feel up against your prostate, Riles? And Dwyane Wade, you were never as good as Kobe -- even before the injury -- and you never will be! As for you, Shawn Marion, how does it feel to finally get a chance to be The Man on a crappy team? What's that? You scored 5 points on 2-for-7 shooting? Marion, you are a quitter and a coward! You just didn't want to be on the Suns come playoff time when the Lakers give them the beatdown they deserve!

LeBron James: You make me sick, LeBron! Ever since you came into the league, you've been trying to steal Kobe's thunder. Kobe scored 52 on Sunday and then got the Arco Arena crowd to chant "M-V-P!" for him on Tuesday, and you just couldn't stand it, could you? Of course you couldn't, you narcissistic bastard. So you went out and scored 50 points -- to go along with 8 rebounds and 10 assists -- against a lousy team and got their depressed and disenchanated crowd to chant "M-V-P!" for you. Wow. Really impressive. Did you beat up a kindergartener for his lunch money before the game, too? But you didn't stop there, did you? You planted a "fan" in the crowd, wearing your jersey no less, and paid him to run down onto the court to praise your name. When did the NBA become the WWE? You'd better not win the MVP this season, LeBron James! You don't deserve it and you know it!

Fun fact: MVP voters hate Kobe Bryant. That's a proven, scientific fact. Exhibit A: Steve Nash - Two-time MVP award winner. Exhibit B: I don't need to present any more evidence! Nash won two MVPs because people think Kobe's a bad person. That's a travesty. Stop hating Kobe, MVP voters!

The New York Knicks: Make no mistake: They Knicks were in on it, too. Kind of like how the Clippers let David Robinson score 70 points or whatever to steal the scoring title away from Shaq back in 1994 (although, to be fair, "The Big Loser" probably had it coming). Everybody knows the Knicks hate Kobe Bryant! What did Kobe ever do to them? He loves New York, loves playing in Madison Square Garden. This kind of base betrayal makes me sick to my stomach. It's like Delilah cutting Samson's hair, or The Coca Cola Company forcing New Coke on us and then giving us "Classic" Coke which had a totally different formula. Screw you, New York Knicks!

Detroit versus Boston: I don't get why everybody was talking about this game yesterday. Sure, the Celtics won and therefore became the first team to clinch a playoff spot, but they're in the Eastern Conference for pity's sake! That's like clinching a playoff spot in the Wheaton Parks and Recreation Department Over 50 Pickup League. And sure, Boston swept the season series against the Lakers, but those games were played before Kobe was making Pau Gasol a better player. So enjoy your hollow victory, Bostonites. Winning the season series 2-1 and taking a 5-game lead over the Pistons only ensures that you'll get the honor of being the Lakers' hors d'oeuvres in the NBA Finals. And just so you know, Kobe loves cocktail weenies and Nutella, so be prepared!

Chris Paul: Nice game, Chris: 23 points and 18 assists. Now you're only 17,447 career points and 2,073 career assists away from Kobe's record-setting pace. How does the dust off of Kobe's shoes taste, Mr. Paul? Don't bother answering, because I'm gonna tell you: Like MVP, baby. You're officially out of the conversation.

The Houston Rockets: Ooooo, a 16-game winning streak! The Rockets are so scary...NOT! Hey, I'm sorry for not being impressed when somebody beats the Pacers, but Kobe beat them single-handedly in Game 4 of the 2000 NBA Finals after Shaq had fouled out. And that's when the Pacers were good! Houston, all you did was go in and slurp up Kobe's sloppy seconds. I hope you're proud of yourselves, because I'm sure not.

Fun fact: Tracy McGrady isn't a poor man's Kobe Bryant. He's not even a homeless man's Kobe Bryant. Have you seen this guy topless? I've seen manlier chests on grade school lunch ladies. Not to mention more facial hair. T-Mac's going to have to grow a pair before he's allowed in the same alphabet as K-O-B-E.

Kareem Rush: Only 4 points on 2-for-5 shooting and a +/- score of -20. Didn't you learn anything in your three seasons under the tutelage of Kobe Bryant? You should be ashamed to call yourself a former Laker, sir.

The Phoenix Suns: Ha ha, Phoenix! How's that Shaq trade working out for you? I hate these guys. All they do is bitch and moan about how the NBA title was "stolen" from them last year because "MVP" Steve Nash couldn't control his teammates. Do you think Ronny Turiaf or Vladimir Radmanovic would have gotten up off the bench if the Lakers had been playing the Spurs? Uh, no, no, and hell no! Kobe knows how to keep his teammates in line. Hey, Steve Nash! Kobe is a gracious man. I'm sure he would allow you to debase yourself in his presence and turn over the two MVP awards you stole from him. And Shaq, you can come along and surrender your Finals MVP awards.

Fun fact: Here's some fun with math for you. Kobe + Shaq = Three NBA Titles. Steve Nash + Shaq = Three Wins and Four Losses...and counting! Now you tell me who the real MVP is.

Andre Kirilenko: I don't care if Dirk Nowitzki clothelined you to the ground and injured your right hip. What are you, 70 years old? Winners never quit, and quitters never win, Andre. Remember that. You don't see Kobe taking time off to rest his ravaged pinkie finger, do you? Of course not! Kobe's a "team first" guy. Unlike you.

The Sacramento Kings: Payback's a bitch, huh Sacramento Queens? Lakers fans have had to spend the last six years hearing about how you got ripped off in Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals. Even Ralph Nader jumped on the Hate Train. I swear, it's enough to make me question whether a God exists who could create such a colossal group of whiners and crybabies. Kobe earned those 27 fourth quarter freethrows, and you need to just get over it. Your 15 minutes of fame were over about, oh, six years ago. Let it go. Move on. Take up a hobby. I mean, your fans are chanting "M-V-P!" for Kobe and you can't even beat the Clippers. Maybe you should take on somebody more your speed, like old, sick people.

Our apologies: We didn't nab Basketbawful in time to prevent him from submitting his NBA Closer column for Deadspin. So if you're an "Internets" hacker, please let us know how we can shut that down. Thank you.