with my husband. Marriages just can't sustain things like that. At least mine apparently can't. We both worked from home today to save a bit on gas... the theory being that since we usually carpool, with only one of us working from home, we werent' really saving anything. Makes sense.. So it all started out lovely, and actually it was all lovely until about an hour ago, when we had our daily spat. Do all couples fight this much? There is a lady at work who fights with her husband constantly and they legitimitely just can't seem to stand each other. I want to yell over the cubicle wall "get a divorce, lady! You'll be happier!" We don't have horrible fights, but I do feel like lately we fight a lot. Oh well... the nice thing about life is that it has a way of working itself out. Either it will get better, or it will get worse. Not much point dwelling on it.

my head hurts from way too much exertion. I've almost memorized the whole Jessica's theme song. It's a tough one and I'm about 3 measures away. I still have to look at the music sometimes to peak, but I'm very very close. It feels good becuase it's been a real challenge and I'm almost there! I'm not even going to worry about the Enya song for now because that's easy by comparison and if I have to I could even drop that one. But I don't think I'll have to. I've got a long weekend and another 2 weeks after that so I think I'm golden.

My sister helped me come up with a great idea for a book. It needs a little fleshing out but it has the potential to be really funny. And hey, if I'm only spending a month on it, I can take the risk. No pressure, right? The plan is to start June 1 and obviously be done by June 30 with the first draft. I see it as something sort of Carl Hiaasen-ish. Funny, irreverent, a bit kitchy, but with a little bit of a message (yet to be determined).

Yes, for the short attention span sufferers like me, there is that ever elusive flow... when you lose track of time doing something that engrosses you. I have plenty of interests and I don't think of myself as a passive participant in life, but flow eludes me most of the time. Even when I'm doing something I really enjoy, I look at my watch and say "good! I've been doing this for an hour (or half an hour) time to stop and relax! Mission accomplished! I just don't like doing anything for too long. Day long excursions freak me out. Folding laundry all at one time freaks me out. Basically, I hate to commit. That's what it comes down to. I don't like to feel obligated and I don't like to commit too much time to anything.

(long time lapse..talking to my friend J who I haven't talked with forever!) Anyhooo... so I have found some flow lately, mostly with kayaking. 35 minutes felt like 5 on Sunday when we were out there. Something about paddling and focusing on each stroke...i suppose it's something like meditation. Gardening does that for me sometimes too, but I have to force it a little more. I do a little and want to give up (because it's hard work!) but I tell myself, just a little longer, and then eventually I really do lose track of time. anyway, it's a good thing. I hope to cultivate more flow in my life.

on a Sunday afternoon. umm umm. Aged Cheddar, made in Maine. But I've been working hard so I deserve it. I feel like I'm finally hitting my summer stride.... being outside constantly, getting sun burned, covered in dirt all day, loving every minute of it. ahhh summer.

Yesterday was our kayaking course. I thought it was about advanced strokes but it was mostly about navigation. I learned some things (like, oh, how to use a compass). And got some damn good exercise paddling across casco bay. The instructors were good. One reminded us of our friend F. The other was cute and very earnest. Normally I dont' like really like that quality, but he was making it work for him. They have a rule that when you hear thunder you have to head back or hunker down. We heard thunder around 2;30 or so and headed back. Didn't get to do advanced rescue techniques (aka flipping your boat over and having someone rescue you) darn!! was SO looking forward to that. : ) And we learned some thigns about towing. I was the only woman in the class. The water was rough in some spots and the waves were pretty big. I didn't feel too bad about it though since the instructors were there. If it was just me & J, I would have been crying.

Labyrinth by Kate Mosse

I have to admit that I started this one without the faintest idea what it was about (beyond "three secrets, two women, one grail," which couldn't be ignored on the front cover; I didn't read the back cover text). Obviously I knew something about it when I added it to my wishlist (right after it was first published), but since then I'd managed to forget whatever it is that I knew. Kate Mosse was one of the co-founders of the Orange Prize and, honestly, I'd give her a try just because of that.

bleak. I can't really think of any other time in my lifetime when the economy looked so bad and the future looked so scary. I don't know if it's because I used to live in a wealthy area and didn't drive far to work, and just didn't notice things... or it really is that bad. When I was visiting VA a few weeks ago, I was going on and on about conspiracy theories and how the middle class will be wiped out and my sister said to me "what do you care? you live a good life. enjoy it." All the news coverage lately just ... I don't know... it makes me think of a Hollywood movie of a futuristic world well it all effing sucks! I don't anticipate not being able to afford food. I have a decent paying job and with carpooling, etc. we'll get by, even with the price of gas these days...but this is the first time that economic factors like that really have changed my life. My driving habits have changed (65 mph baby!), I'm carpooling, I asked my boss about telecommuting. Our expendable income has gone down...I dunno.

Yes, tonight I discovered the wonders of non-alcoholic beer! Perhaps at one time in my life I scoffed at such things and wondered what the f-ing point was, but that's what getting older and wiser is all about I suppose. We went to a local Mexican restaurant/Irish bar (I know!) and I got tacos and an O'douls, and I have to say - it was lovely. aaah.... it was like having an old friend back. The comfort of a green glass bottle and a glass of amber beauty with a nice head on it. yum! Tasted just like bud or miller light, and with a 0.5% alcohol, I could pretend that I was getting a weeeeeeee bit of a buzz. Good stuff. Of course beer was never my drink of choice, so I've been thinking about looking for some non-alcoholic wine. I guess they would call that grape juice (unrefridgerated). : )

So what does that say about me... I need the illusion of having a drink in front of me more than the drink itself, which is true. At home, when I really feel like I need a drink, I just put ice cubes in my martini glass (the sound of home...clink clink clink in a cocktail glasss) and put some crangrape in their and just pretend there's vodka in it. I mean, I like getting drunk too, but more than anything, it's just a comfort to have something that I think will make me feel better. And it seems to work pretty well.

Driving home, I noticed that wonderful thing... that glorious sign of summer...that harbinger of all things sweet and juicy was out... the "Strawberries U-Pick" sign!! Painted in red on a white background in stenciled letters and an arrow pointing toward the river. Yay! Seems a little early and I was hoping they woudl be picking while my sister is here, but whatever. We'll probably get out there this Saturday adn sometime next week because I WON'T BE WORKING... bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha. Anyhoo, I also picked the first lettuce from the garden tonight to have on a delicious black bean burger wrap with avocado and cheese. yum.

day today. I wrote one ad, which I'm sure my boss will rewrite, then spent about an hour trying to write website copy with absolutely nothing to go on, then another hour being mad at the situation. Then I gave up and did some online window shopping and blog reading and walked to the bathroom every hour even if I didn't have to go. It could quite possible have been "the longest day in history."

I used to own a movie (back when there were "videotapes" called Bodies, Rest, and Motion. It was one of those independent films where not much happens, but for some reason I liked the movie. It's about a couple who moves to Arizona and then once they get there, they break up and the guy starts dating someone else, who he now lives with. The guy and his girfriend are still friends iwth the ex. So that's just the background, nothing has actually happened yet. Ok.. now the boyfriend decides he wants to move to Butte, Montana. Girlfriend doesn't really want to go, but she's a nice, peaceable girl so she will follow him. They get all packed up, hire a painter, quit their jobs...at the last minute boyfriend tells her that he's going alone. And he leaves. She's stunned. The painter shows up and they start chatting, get high, and have sex. He goes on about love. She gets up in the morning and leaves, not waking the painter. The painter decides he will find her.

dealing with stress. I want a cocktail! No red wine! A goddamn cigarette!!!! ARGHH. I honestly can't tell if my life has recently gotten really bad or if I just can't deal with it without my vices. I've officially turned to food for comfort...having a smoothie right now. Today was really hard. BUT, the good news is that I now have PMS so I actually have an excuse to be a grumpy bitch.

And now i'll try to use logic to make me happier. I have a job that pays better than anything else I'll ever find in this godforsaken state. If I could learn to get along with my coworkers again (which could be a real challenge now that I know them for the bratty, self-centered egotistical twats that they are) and could just accept the fact that I"ll never get any respect or recognition, I'm sure I could learn to be happy there again. Are you convinced? Yeah, me neither, but what's the option?

to be fat. For once, I was hell bent on getting to the gym and working up a good sweat. Normally I'll look for pretty much any excuse not to go to the gym. J didn't want to go, which would have been a great out normally, but I persisted. So we pull up and there's a sign on the door saying the power was out due to thunderstorms. doh. But we did go for a walk/jog when we got home. The jog was more to get home before the thunderstorm, but hey, whatever works. I'm trying to tackle exercise as my next step to absolute human virtuousness and perfection (I'm tellin' ya, I'm gonna run out of things soon, I'm so close!). On my 101 list, I have "work out 3 times a week for a month" so that's the goal I'm working on, though I'd ideally like to be more active every single day.

Today, though, my main reason for wanting a vigorous workout was to burn off caffeine. I'm pretty wired. On a usual day I have as many 20 oz. diet cokes from the vending machine as I can afford on that particular day (using only $1 bills and coins) and now I've added an afternoon trip to dunkin donuts with my friend D for an iced coffe. I have to say, I feel pretty fabulous, so I'm starting to think that coffee is the answer. aaahhh-ahhh. I can't blink though. bing!

I haven't written here for a while. I've been trying to let things settle and to think forwards, rather than backwards all the time. Obviously I had to do that while I was writing the book, think backwards — wade through all that past, all that heavy sludge of childhood emotion. I felt like a spring recoiling on itself. But once the book was finished it was time to try to go forward again. It's what we all have to do, but that's exactly what I hadn't been doing for so long. I'd gotten stuck. So these past few weeks I've tried to think forwards, and put all the past behind me. But the paperback is out tomorrow, so for a while I can see that will be difficult to do.

bleak. And I'm not just talking about the weather, though that applies too. Dreary! So what's wrong?

Well, first, those creepy crawly, bitey, nearly invisible fiends are back..the bird mites! J has been talking about them for a few days and I thought it was just psychological. I even did that little finger thing around the head that means "koo koo" to him a few times. But he finally had me check his back, and sure enough, there was what looked like a speck of dust sitting there. DOH! I'm not even sure the birds have left the nest yet... ?? Anyway, I'm pretty sure the cats brought them in with them from the porch, so at 10 pm last night I bathed the cats, had my 3rd shower of teh day while J took off all the bed stuff to wash and vaccuumed. Then I locked the cats out, but I still woke up with bites. I've been itching for a few nights, but with sunburn and skeeter bites, etc, etc. I pretty much itch all the time.

Oh well... we will vanquish again. Second, unbeknownst to me, J did a radon test down in the basement and surprise! we have high levels. Ok, that was sarcasm. Given the fact that radon comes from granite and we dynamited out a ledge of granite to build our house...not too shocking. But I still didn't want to know! Now what? Ugh.

nice day for a walk
Originally uploaded by m.Lee Other than some really poorly timed stupid family drama we are fine.

You know how I am always telling you stuff about myself that pretty much proves that I am basically weird?
Well, I am about to add yet another page to the story!
I LIKE AIRPORTS!

I know that does not make sense.
A normal person is supposed to abhor the hustle and confusion and racket and inconvenience of airports, but I actually LIKE all of that stuff.

Got tagged by DM Osbon for this blog meme all the cool kids are into. Now that I am doing it, that almost certainly means it has ceased to be cool but I'll give it a shot anyway.

Four Jobs I have had in my life (not including current job):

1. Shopping Cart Pusher - I collected shopping carts in the lot part time one summer at a grocery store. I actually witnessed more rampant drug use at this particular job than any other place I worked, including waiting tables. Once I also saw a couple guys throwing boxes of cereal up into the ceiling fans in back. That was absolutely spectacular. Me, I just pushed carts for four hours straight with a fifteen minute break somewhere in the middle. Time has never, ever moved more slowly than it did that summer.

day than a summer day today. It's cold and dreary, overcast and intermittently rainy. We were out late last night "gallactic bowling" with some friends. It was sort of fun, but I drank too much beer, ate too much bowling alley food, and well, I can't deny it... bowling kicked my ass. I started off strong with a spare, then as I got tireder and tireder (I know that's not a word) I got worse and worse and got many many gutter balls. But oh well, better than sitting home on my birthday. : )

With the wedding now 12 days away, as you can imagine things have been a little busy. Add to that the fact that I'm trying to get a big project done at work in the middle of all this and you basically have a situation where when I do have some free time available I haven't been spending it blogging.

In lieu of some meatier updates, I'm just going to do a real quick rundown of some things I've wanted to blog about but haven't done so yet.

***

Last weekend I spent about an hour or so putting a bookshelf together. It's one of those "no tools required" bookshelves so that anti-handymen like myself may end up with something that has an outside chance of actually holding up books when completed.

It always seems to be raining when I write a blog.

Yesterday afternoon I arrived back from a very eventful trip to Illinois.

Before you go any further, if you haven't read what was at stake this past weekend, I encourage you to do so.

If you know me however, you know that I've been concerned about this trip because I was expected to play golf with my future father-in-law and many of his family and friends. When informed of the trip by my fiance, I started to try and practice for the two months leading up to the excursion so I wouldn't make a complete fool of myself.

Enough introduction. On to the story.

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Wednesday Night

• The Wife •

Frost
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

and feelin' it. I donated blood tonight. I never feel great afterward, but at least this time I was smart and did it in the evening, so I can just go to bed and then wake up feeling fabulous. But I got home and J was out working in the garden and it looked so deliciously fun so I joined in (separately). He had his headphones on listening to a Great Course on audio. That's this company that started sending me stuff in the mail and it's really cool. They have college courses talk by great professors on really interesting subjects. I'm the kind of nerd who loved college (liberal arts) so I ordered a Jazz course...history of Jazz, which I, er, still haven't finished. But it's really good! So J started looking through the catalog and he's in this sort of religious phase...not as in being religious, but interested in religions. He's been reading a lot of books about buddhism and now he's really into the history of Christianity. I like this stuff too, being never brought up in any particular religion, I look at it from a pretty detached perspective, but like to learn about it. His parents think he's becoming born again since he borrowed their bible. Neither one of our families is religious.

Butterfly in Greenery
Originally uploaded by mlee.etsy.comIt was green and lush with just a sprinkling of rain late in the day on Sunday.

I hope everybody had a great weekend, ours went pretty well over all.

Jon's birthday was this weekend, and it was a good one I think despite Saturday being pretty hard on him. Sunday made up for it.

The weekend went a lot better than expected and we owe it all to little blee and her perfect behavior on both Saturday and Sunday. Saturday daddy had to go into work at 4am and was there until two in the afternoon so it was just us girls. She was pretty easy going already and I had just mastered back carries in our new Mei Tai so we went on what turned out to be a two hour nap. She slept the entire time.

So last week we got a cat.

We couldn't just get any cat though. Jules and I had been searching for weeks on Petfinder and whatnot for orange, already declawed cats.

"Declawed". Yes, a word rife with controversy and consternation. I had no clue.

When we went to the National Adoption Weekend being hosted at the local Petsmart and mentioned that we were looking for an already declawed cat, I immediately had several pamphlets and accusatory looks thrown my way. Apparently cat lovers do not take kindly to the declawing process.

Naturally Julie tried to hold her ground with the ladies at the Petsmart who were explaining to us how cruel the whole thing was, and equally naturally I made it my job to make the situation even more of a mess.

Jules: We're looking for an already declawed cat so we don't have to declaw a kitten.

Me: Babe, look at this pamphlet. Did you know that they cut the whole bone off? This looks terrible!

I am still tired but I did manage to get a little more sleep last night. I ended up leaving work at the usual time instead of going home early as I had planned. I will try to leave early tomorrow though so that I can get some stuff done. I think I might pick up my magazines on the way home tomorrow. I am usually too tired by the time I come home on regular days. Since we will be sans server tomorrow I have a lot I need to get done today, including transferring things off of the network and onto my jump drive so that I can actually work on something tomorrow.

Detroit: Things that I love to eat and do while in the Metro Detroit Area:

ornaments