Worst of the Weekend: The Epic Fail Edition
Dirk Nowitzki and Erick Dampier: Okay, this "Looney Tunes" moment didn't happen over the weekend. It happened last Thursday against the Spurs. But this clip of Herr Dirkmeister and Ericka running into each other is so awesome that if you ever need me for anything at any time, I can probably be found making sweet, sweet love to it. Many thanks to Basketbawful reader Jeffrey Hardy Quah for the heads up.
Freaky Friday
Toronto Raptors: They allowed Mike Dunleavy Jr. to match his career-high with 36 points, and the Basketbawful manifesto clearly states that all teams that surrender a career game to Dunleavy Jr. get an automatic mention in Worst of the Weekend.
Paul Pierce, quote machine: After Boston's 108-100 win over the Gerald Wallace-less Bobcats, Pierce had this to say: "If we move the ball, play unselfish and keep the turnovers down, we are a tough team to guard night in and night out." In other news, teams that outscore their opponent win at least 100 percent of the time. Also, Paul, I think you meant "unselfishly." It's called an adverb. Look it up.
Mario West: Super Mario played 31 seconds against the Knicks. Amazingly, he managed to squeeze of a shot (which he missed) and grab one rebound in his half minute of PT. At that rate, he could have missed 80 shots and grabbed almost 80 rebounds over 40 minutes! It was the 13th time this season West has played 35 seconds or less.
The New York Knicks: They didn't really do anything out of the ordinary -- just another loss to a sub-.500 team -- but putting them in Worst of the Weekend just feels kind of right, you know? Note: Zach Randolph complained after the game that somebody stepped on his foot. Hmmm, I wonder...
Kaniel Dickens: Cleveland's reserve power forward played only 42 seconds against Minnesota. I guess Craig Smith was too much man for him to handle.
Wally Szczerbiak: Wally World wasn't in the lineup against the T-Wolves because his wife, Shannon, was about to pump out their third child. And, strangely enough, the Cavs didn't seem to miss him at all. Huh.
Larry Hughes: He submitted a "He is who we thought he was" performance against the Wizards, shooting 5-for-16 and getting smother chicken'ed by Darius Songaila.
Jim Boylan, quote machine: The interim Bulls coach put a full 110 percent effort into blasting his team for losing 97-91 to the Washington Wizards: [Bill Walton voice] "We embarrassed the organization and the city of Chicago tonight. I apologize for that." [/Bill Walton voice]. And in case you couldn't interpret his words correctly, let me provide a Boylan-to-English translation: By "we" he meant "No, not me; I'm talking about my lazy, listless, lousy players."
The Utah Jazz: They did a great job of coming back from a 23-point first quarter deficit against the Hornets, but they did a not-so-great job of getting a hand in Jannero Pargo's face. Pargo, who scored 15 points off the bench, drilled two jumpers and then hit a tough three-pointer to halt Utah’s fourth quarter rally. I understand if you can't stop Chris Paul or even David West. I'm not so understanding when you can't stop Jannero Pargo.
The Memphis Grizzlies: I have four words to describe why the Griz made it to WotW: "Brian Cardinal, starting center." 'Nuff said.
Jason Kidd, quote machine: After scoring a season-high 21 points against the Kings, he tried to explain why he's normally reluctant to shoot the ball: "My brain is wired differently I guess. Scorer's have more of a tunnel vision. Maybe I should get blinders like horses wear and be more of an 'I' guy, in a good way." So if you see Kidd wearing any equestrian gear this week, you'll know why.
The Lakers' shooters: Derek Fisher, Sasha Vujacic, and Jordan Farmar were a combined 9-for-28 from the field, and 2-for-17 from Three Land. Not surprisingly, Pau Gasol didn't get a lot of room to work (4-for-10) and the Lakers' 10-game win streak came to a sticky end in Portland.
Von Wafer: Forget the fact that his name makes him sound like a German sugar cookie, Wafer scored a -- drum roll please -- four trillion against the Lakers. And my readers wasted no time in letting me know about it. Said BranGor: "Besides enjoying getting dunked on by Kirk Snyder, Mr. Wafer also enjoys putting up stellar numbers." Added John Mitchell: "Von Wafer of the Blazers got a four trillion versus the Lakers, two days after setting career highs in points, minutes, shots, sweat, etc. against the Clippers. To be fair to him, his alpha male SG Brandon Roy was back after missing two games. Blazers 2-for-3 this week against L.A. (2 versus the Lakers and 1 versus the Clips -- all in a row)."
C.J. Watson and Patrick O'Bryant: These seldom-used Warriors showed the world once again exactly why they're so seldom-used. Watson scored a one trillion and O'Bryant played a whopping 3 seconds, which made even Mario West feel a little sorry for him.
The Seattle SuperSonics: They lost at home to the Miami Heat -- the then 10-45 Miami Heat.
Dwyane Wade, quote machine: Just about anybody who watches basketball knows that Pookie isn't close to 100 percent right now. And given Miami's worst-in-the-league record, he should probably shut it down for the year. Reggie Miller made just that point on Thursday night during the Heat's loss to the Lakers, saying that Wade seemed to be operating at about 60 percent of his ability. During Friday's post-game press conference, Wade responded. "Tell Reggie to meet me at the gym in Miami and see what percentage I am. We'll go from there. I’m not 100 (percent), but I'm not 60." Okay, sure. And going one-on-one against a 40-something retired player whose body looks like a bunch of wire hangers wrapped in Saran Wrap is going to prove that how?
Sucky Saturday
Zach Randolph: Z-Bo missed the Knicks' game against the Magic with a bad case of the Didn't Want To Play. Or maybe it was that "sore right foot" that got stepped on in the Hawks game. Meanwhile, New York coach Isiah Thomas seemed a little confused about just what the hell was going on. As usual. Said Zeke: "The way the inactive list needs to be reported now, when Zach came back in and said he couldn't play we had already filled out the form." Whatever. Randolph's presence wouldn't have prevented another loss, but at least it might have yielded some comic relief. So, yeah, I feel a little cheated.
Eddy Curry: The Knicks' one remaining tower got his lunch eaten by Dwight Howard (26 points, 22 rebounds, 3 steals, 2 blocks). Meanwhile, Fat Shaq had 9 points (4-for-9), 2 turnovers, and nearly fouled out (5) in a 26-minute ego-ectomy.
Jarron Collins versus Jason Collins: The Utah/Memphis game provided these twin terrors with the chance to go head-to-head, and they still couldn't score. Jarron notched a one trillion and Jason went scoreless (0-for-0 from the field, 0-for-2 from the line) in eight minutes and had a +/- score of –20.
Rudy Gay, quote machine: "I think they out-toughed us. I think we got tough too late. By the time we got tough, we were looking back, and we were down 10. When it gets tough, I think we just have to take care of the basketball and run our offense even more. I don't think we did that." Take care of the basketball and run the offense...genius! Why didn't his coach think of that?
Damon Stoudamire and Kurt Thomas: San Antonio got these boys on a Blue Light Special, and apparently there was a reason for that. Mighty Mouse had 2 points (1-for-4), 2 rebounds, and 2 assists in 16 minutes. Thomas had zero points (0-for-2), 3 rebounds, and 2 personal fouls in 9 minutes. Hey, sometimes you get what you pay for.
Jacque Vaughn: I know he's not all that necessary with Tony Parker back in the lineup, but he was playing pretty well in Parker's absence. Better than Stoudamire, that's for sure. Too bad he's now stuck on the bench and only played 4 seconds against the Bucks.
The Phoenix Suns defense: Okay. This has gone way past the point of utter redonkulessness. Giving up big scores and high shooting percentages to the Lakers and Hornets is one thing. But letting the 76ers score 119 points on 57 percent shooting? The Sixers?! Sidenote: This happened in Phoenix, by the way.
Linton Johnson: He scored a one trillion against the Sixers. How, exactly, did this guy steal Brian Skinners' minutes? Uh, I mean, minute.
Savage Sunday
Luol Deng: He shot 3-for-13 against the Cavs, and I feel the need to remind everybody -- once again -- that he's the player that John Paxson wouldn't part with to get Kevin Garnett or Kobe Bryant. In fact, you know what? I'm going to repeat this for the rest of the season.
Dwayne Jones: Mr. Jones had a one trillion for the Cavs.
Jason Kidd: Kidd wasted Dirk's first clutch performance since, well, maybe ever by missing a freethrhow that would have tied the game with 11 seconds to go in overtime. Game over, Lakers win. Why didn't Avery bench this guy?!
Devean George and Jerry Stackhouse: Actually, the Mavs could have won the game despite Kidd's boner if these guys hadn't been shooting blanks all day. Stackhouse was 2-for-12 and Mr. Cockblock scored zero points on 0-for-5 shooting.
The Lakers not named Kobe Bryant: Speaking of bad shooting, the non-Mamba Lakers shot a combined 18-for-50, which explains why Kobe had to go all Leeroy Jenkins on the Mavericks. Derek Fisher (3-for-11) was the Grand Marshall of the Brick Parade, and Sasha Vujacic (3-for-12), Pau Gasol (5-for-14), and Jordan Farmar (1-for-6) were right there with him.
New Orleans Hornets: I have no idea what to make of this double-digit loss to the Wizards. It was N'awlins' second loss to the Wiz in less than a week.
Hilton Armstrong: I'll let Basketbawful reader Josh tell this sad tale: "I don't know what was more impressive tonight, the Wizards 17 point win over the Hornets or Hilton Armstrong's amazing 8 trillion. What on earth did he do for 8 MINUTES! I mean put a hand on somebody or something. I would say this was the worst effort I've seen all year but, Memphis has 23 games left and Jason Collins is just warming up. Now there is a guy who's a threat to put up 5 trillion a night. Anyways, I bet Armstrong's performance bought him a one way ticket to the D-League. RGV Vipers here we come."
Toronto Raptors: Here's how the Associated Press put it: "In a listless performance against one of the NBA’s worst teams, the Bosh-less Raptors gave up 30 points to Charlotte’s Jason Richardson, and allowed the Bobcats to dominate the glass in a 110-98 win on Sunday." When the always-bland AP describes your performance as "listless," chances are it was even worse than that.
Rasho Nesterovic: "No! I don't wanna be in the poster!"
Milwaukee Bucks: Mike Dunleavy Jr. matches his career-high of 36 points again, this time against the Bucks. And you know what that means. (Here's a hint: Automatic WotW mention.)
Jeremy Richardson and Solomon Jones: These Atlanta benchdudes got up off their splintered butts to score a one trillion and go zero-for-everything in 46 seconds, respectively.
Al Jefferson: Baby KG had a monster game (30 points, 15 rebounds, 5 assists) but contracted a case of Shaqnopsis, missing two freethrows that could have tied the game with 35 seconds to go in overtime.
The Miami Heat: They coughed up a 21-point second half lead and ended up losing by 11 to the Kings. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that's a 32-point turnaround. Way to D it up, guys.
Chris Webber: Okay, can we all just agree that this experiment isn't working and send C-Webb back out to pasture? Webber scored a point (0-for-1, 1-for-2 at the line) and commited 2 turnovers in 8 geriatrical minutes. Memo to Chris Mullin: Don't wait for Webber to break a hip or something. Cut him today.
Fun-tastic Extra: More Basketbawful -- and Ultimate Warrior quotes!! -- can be found in today's NBA Closer column at Deadspin.
