Basketbawful reader flohtingPoint reminded me of this sick dunk Kevin Johnson fed to Hakeem Olajuwon back on May 15, 1994. As Mr. Point put it: "Man, they sculpted that dunk out of bronze and gave it to KJ for his retirement trophy."

The Suns didn't really do that...but they should have. (Edit: I was very, very wrong about that. More tomorrow.) Not many players got to use Hakeem as an extra in their poster, at least not while The Dream was in his prime. (The Toronto Raptors' version of Hakeem doesn't count. For anything. Do not bring it up again.) Historical footnote: KJ had 38 points (15-for-31) and 12 assists in that game, but the Suns lost 107-96 despite perfect shooting nights from both Joe Klein (3-for-3) and Oliver Miller (0-for-0).

Of course, Hakeem, being Hakeem, got his revenge just two games later. Oddly, the Suns won that one 103-89.

When I agreed to participate in Kobe Bryant Blog Day, I assumed that it was going to provide me with yet another chance to make fun of a player that I don't particularly care for. But either I was lied to (possible), I believed only what a wanted to believe (probable), or I didn't take the time to read the KBBD description carefully enough (definitely the case).

So now I have to -- preparing to throw up in my mouth -- honor Kobe Bryant. Those of you who read this site regularly must wonder whether that's even medically possible. Even I'm not sure. But I'm going to give it the old college try. Just as soon as I wash my mouth out and pop a couple Tic Tacs.

Okay, then. I've found the easiest way to do something you detest is to totally sugarcoat it with something you really like. So let's talk about Larry Bird.

Denver Nuggets defense: The Charlotte Bobcats are 20th in the league in scoring (95.4 PPG), but Denver let them score 119 points. That's the most points the Bobcats have scored since late last season, when they dropped 122 on the Wizards. Memo to the Nuggets: If you want to be legit, you can't let teams like Charlotte score 119 points on you. Still, despite all that, Denver would have won the game if not for...

Wild Yams reminded me of this little brouhaha in the TNT studio last night. I added it to Worst of the Night, but it really deserved its own post. As Mr. Yams put it: "Chuck's second big gaffe of the night was saying that this Lakers team is the best one Kobe's ever been on, although him saying that was totally worth it for Webber's fantastic reaction of wanting to walk off the set in disbelief. I love how Barkley shoots from the hip like that and doesn't think through the things he's about to say, because every now and then he'll let fly with a Bill Walton-esque bit of hyperbole like that. God bless Barkley."

God bless Barkley, indeed. And Webber's awestruck reaction really was the best; it even succeeded in getting Chuck to back down and revise his statement to: "Let me rephrase that. I think this Laker team is potentially, they could win a lot of championships in the next couple years. That maybe is the way I should have phrased it." Yeah. Maybe so.

As Ernie Johnson put it: "Rick Fox, rolling over in his grave." Here's the video.

Al Horford: Yeah, I know it was an accident and everything, but Horford's foul on T.J. Ford looked pretty bad. Not only that, it ended with Ford -- who missed the entire 2004-05 season after neck surgery -- getting carried off the floor on a stretcher. Ford is going to be hospitalized overnight, so we'll know more tomorrow, but Raptors spokesman Jim LaBumbard confirmed that Ford "had feeling in his upper and lower extremities when he was taken off the floor." So let's keep our fingers and toes crossed for this kid.

The San Antonio Spurs: Everybody always talks about what a competitive bastard Kobe Bryant is, but what about those Spurs, huh? They must have seen the video I posted of Zach Randolph's poop stew of a possession and said, "You think that sucked, Basketbawful? Well, we're going to show you craptastic suckitude on a grand and historic level. And then we'll win anyway." And I'll be damned if they weren't as good as the words I imagined they said. The defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session.

Fun fact: The Spurs' previous low in points for a quarter was eight, which they most recently had on Christmas Day in 2005 at Detroit.

The Pau Gasol sweepstakes. The Shaq resurrection. Collinsgate. After the dust settles, I'm left asking: Did everyone forget about Jason Kidd?

Miami Heat: Last night, the Heat were without Dwyane Wade (left knee), Udonis Haslem (left ankle), Shawn Marion (sore back), Jason Williams (jammed right thumb), Marcus Banks (right hamstring), and Alexander Johnson (right knee). This left the team with the following seven players (and I use that term very loosely): Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, Chris Quinn, Daequan Cook, Earl Barron, Bobby Jones, and Joel Anthony.

If you recognized more than half of those names, you're either lying or you're some kind of roster-memorizing savant. Either way, that's one seriously motley crew. I'm not sure that squad would even qualify as an expansion team for the D-League. Stitching a team together out of whatever crap you can find...that's no way to run a franchise. It's like the basketball equivalent of Frankenstein's monster, only at least the monster could complete basic tasks, like menacing villagers and destroying its creator.

Back by, well, almost no demand, it's Random Lists of Five . . .

Five alleged contenders that won't win the NBA title this season:
1. Dallas. Kidd has slipped, especially defensively. They'll regret giving up Devin Harris for him in the long run.
2. Phoenix. I hope the Shaq gamble works, and he looks like he's in decent shape, but I just don't believe he can make a difference as a rebounder and defender after so many years of indifference.
3. San Antonio. They remind me of the Patriots team that lost to Indy a year ago. Still smart and proud, but just not quick enough anymore.
4. Cleveland. Though I do not want the Celtics to have to face Team LeBron.
5. Detroit. The Flip Saunders factor.

Five name players I wouldn't touch In fantasy baseball this season with Bea Arthur's ----:
1. Albert Pujols. Tough to hit with one decent elbow. Anyone who takes him in the first round will have a season's worth of regret.
2. Andy Pettitte. If his elbow acts up again, it's fair to assume the elixir this time won't be HGH.

Unibrow compiled a list of the 10 Greatest Crying Moments in Sports. Six of the 10 videos featured weeping basketball players, which is kind of sad. After all, real men don't cry tears. They cry barbed wire fencing and explosions. Make of that what you will.

One strange and unforgivable omission from Unibrow's list was Adam Morrison writhing around on the floor after Gonzaga was beaten by UCLA in the 2006 NCAA Tournament. I will correct that mistake right...now.

This is Part 3 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. And just like Return of the Jedi, this third championship meeting between the two teams was ruined by the presence of hundreds of Ewoks. Seriously.

1965 NBA Finals

The Grim Reaper: Walter A. Brown, the original owner of the Boston Celtics, died on September 7, 1964 at the relatively young age of 59. This meant that Brown missed out on watching his team set a franchise record for victories (62) and win their seventh consecutive league championship. He also missed Red Auerbach's first (and only) Coach of the Year award.

Writing guides, grammar books, punctuation how-tos... do you read them? Not read them? How many writing books, grammar books, dictionaries–-if any-–do you have in your library?

I can't say exactly how many since I don't have all my books cataloged in LibraryThing yet.

Let's see... I have style guides, Struck & White and Chicago (yes, I bought the new edition as soon as it came out) as well as APA (required for grad school) and MLA.

"Hands...feel like...stone..."

stone hands (ston handz) noun. A term used to describe the hands of a player who has extreme difficulty -- note the emphasis on extreme -- catching a basketball, dribbling a basketball, passing a basketball, and finishing layups. In some radical cases, the player can't even dunk effectively. The dunk, of course, being a shot that's successfully converted something like 100 percent of the time. Let me put it another way: The only reason you would ever hand this person your baby is if you didn't want that baby anymore. Also, you probably shouldn't let him carry the grocery bag with the eggs and bread in it.

Legitimate MVP, or simply the poster boyfor a vast white-wing conspiracy?
white-wing conspiracy (wit wing kuhn-spir'-uh-se) noun. The theory that there is a vast positive bias -- be it unconscious or calculated -- given to white basketball players by the mostly white media. Some people believe that this prejudice led directly to Steve Nash's back-to-back MVP awards as well as his overall reputation as an NBA savior.

This is Part 5 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. I really hope nobody forwards these posts to Jerry West. They would probably feel like a nutshot in words to him.

1968 NBA Finals

The Grim Reaper. Again. On April 4, 1968, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated by James Earl Ray. It was a national tragedy, and it just so happened to occur the night before Game 1 of the Eastern Division Finals between the Boston Celtics and the reigning champion Philadelphia 76ers. Although there was some talk of postponing the game, the teams reluctantly agreed to play.

My perception of Matt Stairs through the years? A fat guy who could hit a little. A better version of Morgan Burkhart. I doubt he'd take either of those comments as compliments.

But as I was poking around baseball-reference.com for some Blue Jays info a day or so ago, I happened upon http://www.baseball-reference.com/s/stairma01.shtml">his page and quickly came to this somewhat surprising realization: Stairs has had a remarkable and distinctive big league career. Judging my the numbers, he's much more accomplished than you - or at least I - ever realized.

"Yeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrgggghh!!"
Kyle Korver: The hero of the 76ers big road win against the Bucks became the goat in the team's homecourt flameout against the Jazz. After scoring 20 points (8-13) on Tuesday night, Korver scored only 4 points (1-9) against the Jazz. He was also limited to 21 minutes thanks to his 5 personal fouls. Of course, the real villain of the game was the 76ers defense, which allowed the Jazz to shoot 55 percent from the field. Said coach Maurice Cheeks: "We talked before the game about eliminating layups and they (Jazz) had 20-plus layups. That's something I'm trying to stop." Better luck next time, coach Cheeks.

This is Part 2 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. It's a decent sequel, I think. Not quite Ghostbusters II, but close. Wait...I should probably rethink that comparison...

1963 NBA Finals

Getting it wrong, Part I: In march of 1963, some big, throbbing brain at Sports Illustrated ensured himself a place in the Stupid Quotes Hall of Fame when he wrote that: "The Boston Celtics are an old team. Tired blood courses through their varicose veins." Which was a pretty off-the-wall viewpoint considering the five-time champions finished the season with the best record in the league (58-22) -- five games better than the second-place Lakers.

The Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers faced off in the NBA Finals in 1962, 1963, 1965, 1966, 1968, 1969, 1984, 1985 and 1987. That's nine times, which is the same number of Friday the 13th movies that were made before the one where Jason Voorhees was frozen, launched into outer space, and transformed from a zombie serial killer into a zombie-android serial killer. Coincidence? I think not.

The Celtics were 7-2 in those championship series, although the Lakers won the last two. Those showdowns were filled with many classic moments, as well as some not-so-classic moments. I think you know which ones I'm going to talk about.

The 1962 NBA Finals

Flip Saunders + Om nom nom nom = This quote: "[Kendrick] Perkins is eating us up."

As Basketbawful reader Jimmy said: "Maybe he should keep his private life to himself."

O.J Mayo and Michael Beasley are two of the best freshman playing college basketball this season. Both players are averaging over 20 points per contest, and both decided not to go to the elite basketball programs like Duke, North Carolina, Kansas or Indiana. Despite how much game these future NBA All-Stars have, both Mayo and Beasley are having a hard time getting to the big dance next month. They both are seeing that basketball is a team game, and neither of these guys have the supporting cast to carry them into the field of 65. So they have to carry their teams themselves. Beasley looked like his Wildcats had all but wrapped up an at large bid. However they are back on the bubble again after losing four out of the last five games including losses to Nebraska and Texas Tech. USC has won two straight since losing at home to arch rival UCLA, but still is looking for another good win to put on their resume. They beat UCLA at UCLA earlier in January, but that is their only good win. Losses to Mercer and California are the only real blemishes on their resume.

This is Part 4 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. Which, much like Iron Eagle IV, will redefine what is rad...and what is not.

1966 NBA Finals

The Auerbach Challenge, Part I: Before the 1965-66 season even began, Auerbach had decided it would be his last campaign as Celtics coach. But instead of keeping the news under his yarmulke, Red told the press his plans in typical Auerbachian fashion: "I'm announcing it now so no one can ever say I quit while I was ahead. I'm telling everyone right now -- Los Angeles, Philadelphia, everyone -- that this will be my last season. You've got one more shot at Auerbach!"

Just when the Indiana basketball program looked like it was going to turn into a big disaster it announced the signing of new head coach Tom Crean, the former coach of Marquette.

Crean has a Final Four under his belt and has lead Marquette to the NCAA Tournament 5 of the past 7 years.

Crean will be a great fit for this program but he will have a lot of work to do after recent allegations from the NCAA for recruiting violations by Kelvin Sampson.

Interim coach Dan Dakitch also dismissed Jamarcus Ellis and Armon Bassett, two starters for skipping a team appointment.
Eric Gordon still has to make a decision to leave for the NBA or stay another year. Most expect Gordon to leave, which would leave Crean with all 5 starters gone for next season.

Sorry this is late, folks. Even I need a holiday, apparently.

Spurs-Lakers Game 2

San Antonio Spurs: The seven-game series with the Hornets, that night spent sleeping on a grounded plane, the devastating choke job in Game 1 of this series, their age...it was like all of those things caught up with them at once in Game 2. The Spurs shot 34 percent as a team -- including 6-for-23 from three -- and they got slowly and methodically crushed in the second half en route to a 30-point rout. The champs were a step slow everywhere, especially on defense, where they allowed the Lakers to shoot 55 percent.

Manu Ginobili: Manu was San Antonio's worst player in the first game, and he was just as bad -- maybe worse -- in Game 2. Shoeless Joe Ginobili was 2-for-8 from the field, 0-for-4 from distance, and finished with 7 points, 2 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 turnovers, and 2 fouls in 23 pointless minutes.

"That was a wonderful call! You're doing agreat job! Can I buy you dinner after the game?!"
Jason Richardson and Gerald Wallace: The Bobcats' duo combined to shoot 10-for-28 and commit 8 turnovers. You're not going to beat the Spurs when your big guns are shooting you in the foot.

River Borowitz-Jacobs has a long name, but she's short for a basketball player. Still, because she plays in the same gym where Emily Hargraves, WNBA's Most Valuable Player, learned the sport, she dreams of someday growing into a star. When River learns that the MVP of the playoffs in her league will get a scholarship to Emily's summer basketball camp, she knows she has to make the A-Team and catch Hargraves' eye.

The Red Sox this evening reached an agreement with former Cy Young Award winner Bartolo Colon on a minor league contract. It had been rumored that Colon was all set to go to the Chicago White Sox, but that fell through last week.

Colon is insurance for the Sox, as Curt Schilling status to pitch this season remains a serious question mark. Colon has suffered through two injury-riddled seasons since he won the Cy Young Award as a 20-game winner with the Angels in 2005. It's also a minor league deal, so Colon has to prove he's healthy and still has something left.
Here are Colon's lifetime stats: http://www.baseball-reference.com/c/colonba01.shtml