When I was just a wee tot, my mom taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. Then, after almost 20 years of silence, she begged me to start talking again. Which is great, because I have a lot of not-so-nice things to say about the NBA's Eastern Conference.

Atlanta Hawks: I have never forgiven the Hawks for trading Dominique Wilkins to the Clippers in '94. And neither has God. That's like sending your favorite grandfather to the nursing home where they serve cat food and administer nightly beatings. Some people might think that the last decade worth of losing seasons was enough of a punishment, but I don't. And neither does God.

I saw this at CJ Hill's Blog and had to do this!

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd 

Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works.

It's okay. I understand.

triple bumble (trip'-uhl bum'-bul) noun. An embarrassing and ignominious triple-double in which one of the three "double" categories is turnovers.

Usage example: Every player wants to achieve a triple double. Unless, of course, it's actually a triple bumble.

It's going to take more than a hammerto fix the Suns' problems this year.
ESPN.com published a huge NBA Season Preview on Friday. Some of you may (or may not ) have noticed that Basketbawful was asked -- via Henry Abbot at TrueHoop -- to say a few words on the Phoenix Suns.

Hosted by Between the Covers

I discovered that I already have books on my list that fit into this challenge. No new books added but another challenge to participate in. Sounds good to me!
Here are my choices:

1. The Bootlegger's Daughter - Margaret Maron
2. The Nazi Officer's Wife - Edith Hahn Beer
3. The Scarlet Pimpernel - Baroness Orczy
4. The Book Thief - Marcus Zusak

Alternates/Extras:

• Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
• The Archivist's Story - Travis Holland
• The Reluctant Fundamentalist - Mohsin Hamid
• The Welsh Girl - Peter Ho Davies

And just for fun I took this quiz that I have seen bobbing around the book blogs. Here are my results:

When I agreed to participate in Kobe Bryant Blog Day, I assumed that it was going to provide me with yet another chance to make fun of a player that I don't particularly care for. But either I was lied to (possible), I believed only what a wanted to believe (probable), or I didn't take the time to read the KBBD description carefully enough (definitely the case).

So now I have to -- preparing to throw up in my mouth -- honor Kobe Bryant. Those of you who read this site regularly must wonder whether that's even medically possible. Even I'm not sure. But I'm going to give it the old college try. Just as soon as I wash my mouth out and pop a couple Tic Tacs.

Okay, then. I've found the easiest way to do something you detest is to totally sugarcoat it with something you really like. So let's talk about Larry Bird.

This quiz has been making the blogging world rounds. Sounds about right too.

Reader John Marzan asked "If you were an NBA manager, who would you pick to build your team around: Dirk Nowitzki or Kevin McHale?"

I think the immediate answer you'd get from most NBA analysts would be Dirk Nowitzki. This is because the league is in the midst of a versatility movement, and Dirk is certainly more versatile, offensively speaking, than McHale was. He's a legitimate seven footer who can rebound, run the floor, stick the three at a high percentage, and score with efficiency from almost anywhere (except in the low post). He can also handle the ball better than McHale did. In NBA parlance, he's the more "talented" of the two players.

This is Part 6 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. This was the first Magic versus Bird Finals and the series in which the Lakers -- after a break that lasted almost two decades -- once again got to be the Celtics' bitch.

1984 NBA Finals

Short-shorts: Come on. Just look at that picture!

It was delayed by Kobe Bryant Blog Day and a mad case of the Black Mamba Flu, but Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm once again serve you a steaming plate of poo pie on an officially-licesned NBA platter. This week I's gots the East, and the Hardwood Boyees have gots the West.

The Miami Heat: With Wade out for the rest of the season, the offensive reins have been officially turned over to Ricky Davis. Which is kind of like hiring Michael Vick as your pet sitter.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: So D-Wade is done. Well, they waited till just a little after when they knew they wouldn't make the playoffs.In December.

Hillary Clinton is evidently running for the Republican nomination for president. Monday, she met with Richard Mellon Scaife -- yes, the very architect and financier of the Vast Rightwing Conspiracy, the man behind the Whitewater hoax, the man who spent millions of dollars promoting the story that Hillary Rodham Clinton had Vince Foster murdered -- now the publisher of a commercially non-viable far right-wing vanity newspaper, and used the occasion to denounce Barack Obama for being a member of Jermiah Wright's church.

Today, I read this in the Washington Post: "[Like John McCain] Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign has also started slapping the L-word on Obama, warning that his appeal among moderate voters will diminish as they become more aware of liberal positions he has taken in the past, such as calling for single-payer health care . . . ."

It's not very surprising that a recent poll finds that 28% of Clinton supporters would vote for John McCain if Obama is the nominee, since it has been the Clinton strategy for several weeks now to endorse John McCain over Obama.

Well, like New Yorkers have a tendency to do with all of their sports teams, they've taken the Isiah Thomas debacle to its illogical extreme. (Hey, I, Evil Ted, am from Boston, so I know a little something about taking fandom to an illogical extreme).

For years, basketball experts and fans have wondered why Dominique Wilkins and Patrick Ewing never won an NBA championship. Were they too selfish? Did they choke under pressure? Or was it simply a case of better teams (Celtics, Pistons, Bulls, et al.) and better players (Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, et al.) standing in their way?

This commercial suggests that 'Nique and Ewing were simply too concerned with getting the last can of Minute Maid. It also proves, yet again, that Isiah Thomas is a dick.

Italian lunch. Dad and I stopped by Piazza D'Angelo for lunch on the weekend. I reviewed this popular Mill Valley restaurant last in April 2007. It was a sunny day, and the staff all had very sunny dispositions too.

This is a Larry Bird tribute that aired right before the Celtics faced the Bulls in the first round of the 1986 NBA playoffs. Based on this quote from the end of the video, I'm not surprised Larry wasn't asked to take part in the NBA All-Star Stay In School Jam.

"If I was spendin' time in high school readin' my homework, and readin' the books, and working on different things scholastically instead of thinkin' about basketball all the time, where would I be? I don't think I'd be making the money I'm making now, so I'm happy with what I'm doin'."

Check out this wacky commercial for the Bird 33 sneakers from Skechers that -- as far as I can tell -- don't even exist. Which makes sense, since I don't remember the real Larry Bird ever being quite as mobile as the digital version. Publicity stunt? Scam? Really poor marketing? You be the judge.

Seriously, though, I thought Bird was a lifelong Converse man. What happened? He must not remember what they did for him. But I do. (Hint: He walked away with something...)

The gentlemen at Hardwood Paroxysm polled a very wide range of bloggers and established a series of really cool awards. (Basketbawful got a nod in the "Coach Blogger of the Year" category.) Go check it out to see a list of some of the coolest NBA-related blogs out there.

"I will break you."

revenge game (ri-venj' gam) noun. A game in which a particular player or team has the opportunity to seek retribution for an injustice -- whether real or imagined -- that was committed against them by another player or team.

Usage example: The Dallas Mavericks won their revenge game against the Golden State Warriors last night.

Happy New Year, Chinese style. I met Sachiko for dinner tonight, and we tried a small restaurant favorite of hers on the edge of Chinatown, New Hong Kong Menu. I apologize for the blurry photos, the lighting and camera were just not in sync.

This seafood based soup had everything but the kitchen sink in it, and it tasted good!

I'm a simple man who isn't motivated by frivilous material gain. My Christmas wish is to make life better for everyone. In the immortal words of Patrick Bateman, we need to stop terrorism and end world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.

But if I can't get any of that silly crap, I want THIS:

If you don't think this is freakingcool, we probably hate each other.

Butterflies. When I found out that Cafe Papillon serves breakfast every day, it immediately went on my must try list. Dad and I dropped by what was I believe the last sunny Sunday in Marin for some time. The staff was friendly and welcoming, and we were obviously earlier than most of their Sunday crowd since we were the only ones in the restaurant until the clock struck 10 a.m.

Boston Celtics: Yes, they won. But they also failed to hold onto a 17-point lead and barely held on to win at home. That didn't exactly instill me with a lot of confidence, even if Ray Allen's jumper finally came home.

The Boston reserves: It was shades of 1987 all over again. No, Larry didn't steal the ball. I'm talking about the lousy bench. The Beantown auxiliaries were "good" for 3 points (1-for-5), 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 4 turnovers, and 4 fouls in 30 minutes of...you know what? That doesn't even count as lack-tion. Bravo to Sam Cassell for avoiding a two trillion by throwing the ball away once. Still, that wasn't as bad as...

For the rest of the regular season, Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm will be teaming up to give you a weekly ranking of which teams are doing their level best to be the absolute worst in the league. This week, we're taking the East, while the Hardwood Boys are taking the West.

The Wounded Tiger is on the prowl.
Wounded Tiger Theory (woond'-ud ti'-ger thir'-e) noun. The theory that a basketball team (or any other sports team) tends to play harder and (at times) perform better despite the loss of one or more key players.

The New York Knicks: It's bad - but sort of expected - when the Madison Square Garden crowd starts chanting for James Dolan to finally put Isiah Thomas out of the Knicks' misery. But it goes from "sad" to "tragically sad" when the "Fire Isiah" chant picks up steam on the road. And that's what happened last night in Philadelphia during during the Sixers' 40-point drubbing of Team Dysfunction. Did New York just roll over and die on defense? Well, Philly shoots 45 percent from the field and averages about 94 PPG on the year. Last night, they shot 57 percent and had 102 points by the end of the third quarter. This is how badly things went for the Knicks: Human victory cigar Gordan Giricek played the entire fourth quarter.

Isiah Thomas: The Baby-faced Assassin sunk to a new low, even for him, placing the blame for last night's stink bomb directly on the broad and pudgy shoulders of twin towers Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph. Said Isiah: "My guy's minds were elsewhere."

I suspect that some of you find me tiresome on the point that we should analyze at least aspects of our current system through the analytic lens of "constitutional dictatorship." But consider the following exchange yesterday between the White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino, and Helen Thomas:

Thomas: "The American people are being asked to die and pay for this. And you're saying they have no say in this war?"

Perino: "No, I didn't say that Helen. But Helen, this president was elected --"

Thomas: "Well, what it amounts to is you saying we have no input at all."

Perino: "You had input. The American people have input every four years, and that's the way our system is set up. . . . "

This is actually quite humorous. The White House has been extremely reluctant to say anything at all about the CIA tapes scandal -- except that the President knew nothing about the tapes -- for a couple of weeks now. But today's New York Times story prompted an immediate, impassioned official response, which you can read here.

Kevin Durant: Hey, have we mentioned this kid is long yet? Well, he is. Like, really long. Unfortunately, "impressive length" does not necessarily equate to "good shooting percentage." Or even "mediocre shooting percentage." Or hell, even "bad but improving shooting percentage." Durant had the worst game of his rookie season last night, scoring 10 points (4-13), grabbing a single, lonely rebound, dishing out zero assists, and committing 4 turnovers. Through eight games, he's shooting an Adam Morrison-like 38 percent from the field. That's your 2007-08 Rookie of the Year, folks!