Admit it. This gave you a little wood, didn't it?
Kobe Bryant: Señor Black Mamba scored 39 points (a team high) and grabbed 10 boards (another team high). Brilliant game, right? Sure, if you overlook his severe case of fumbleitis. For much of the game, Kobe handled the rock like somebody had replaced his hands with two honeybaked hams. He coughed up the ball a career-high 11 times -- 7 of which came in the first half -- on his way to his first career triple bumble. He also unleashed some of his trademark "subtle" criticism of his teammates: ""What are you going to do when guys are open? If I catch the ball, what am I going to do, go one on three? We made the right play, we just didn't complete it." I ran this one through the Kobe-to-English translator in my Batcomputer, and apparently that comment means, "Hey, not my fault. Go talk to Lamar. He airballed the final shot." But this also begs the question: When has Kobe ever shied away from going one-on-three?

The Basketbawful spies are everywhere. Literally. Case in point: The September issue of HOOP magazine, the NBA's official bi-monthly publication, contains a very special Easter egg. A seven-foot, two-inch, incredibly funny-looking Easter egg. Check out the S in HITS:

Okay, now take a closer look:

Yep. That's our boy. Here's a mug shot for comparison purposes:

Boston Celtics: Yes, they won. But they also failed to hold onto a 17-point lead and barely held on to win at home. That didn't exactly instill me with a lot of confidence, even if Ray Allen's jumper finally came home.

The Boston reserves: It was shades of 1987 all over again. No, Larry didn't steal the ball. I'm talking about the lousy bench. The Beantown auxiliaries were "good" for 3 points (1-for-5), 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 4 turnovers, and 4 fouls in 30 minutes of...you know what? That doesn't even count as lack-tion. Bravo to Sam Cassell for avoiding a two trillion by throwing the ball away once. Still, that wasn't as bad as...

man region (man re'-juhn) noun. The male genital area, consisting of a penis, scrotum, and (in most cases) two testicles.

Usage example: Nothing hurts quite like getting hit in the man region.

Word History: Beefy McManstick. Fandangled Mandangler. Longrod Von Hugenstein. Rodzilla. The Schlongmaster 2000. Zamboni Baloney. So many ways to refer to a man's Love Truncheon, so few of which can be used on national television. Broadcasters usually just say something insufferably lame like "he had the wind knocked out of him" or "he's shaken up." But now, thanks to the legendary Reggie Miller, we have a real option.

DeSagana Diop: The Man The Mavericks Should Not Have Given Up had yet another sucksational game last night: Zero points (0-for-0), 3 rebounds, 1 blocked shot, and 5 fouls in 9 minutes of lack-tion. For the record, those are Greg Kite-like numbers.

Vince Carter: Half-Man, Half-I-Hate-Physical-Contact led the Nets with 26 points, but it took him 23 shots to get there. And according to the shot chart, 18 of those attempts were jumpers...seven of which were catapulted from at least 27 feet out. I'll give him a mulligan on the 42-footer he launched at the end of the second quarter, but that doesn't change the fact that he's not even trying to take it to the rim anymore.

"Quit yer damn blubbering, Frenchy."

JamesOn Curry: The Bulls rookie, best known for a gratuitous capital O in his first name, added a big P to his arsenal of extraneous letters last night. Curry, who's currently serving a stint with the Iowa Energy of the NBA Developmental League, was urinating in an alley near the Hampton Inn in Boise, Iowa, when he was spotted by a police officer. As the officer approached in his patrol car, Curry saw him and started to walk away (only after holstering his boomstick, one hopes).

rondo (rahn'-do) verb. 1. To smoothly move between large objects with dexterity and purpose. 2. To remove an object quickly without being detected. 3. To create a distraction followed by a swift change of direction.

Usage example: I just rondo'd some potato chips off my co-worker's desk. I'm such a Ninja.

Word history: The word was created by the folks at Reebok for their new viral marketing campaign featuring [SHOCK ALERT!!] the Boston Celtics' Rajon Rondo. And without further ado, here are the videos (note the brilliant cameos by Dee Brown and Jo Jo White):

Officiating: Quick quiz: What time is it? Quick answer: Zebra hunting time. Last night, Joe Crawfordy, Joe Forte, Mark Wunderlich and David Stern (in absentia) were The Four Horsemen of the Spurspocalypse. I mean, seriously, the no-call to end last night's game was completely, utterly and in all other ways inconceivable. I'm not even going to argue the point. The bottom line is this: Derek Fisher fouled Brent Barry. Marv Albert and Doug Collins knew it. Johnny Ludden knew it. Henry Abbott knew it. You knew it. I knew it. Nostradamus knew it way back in 1562. Helen Keller, Zeus rest her soul, would have known it. My 85-year-old grandma called me in the middle of the night to ask "What was up with that lousy no-call in the Spurs game?!" It's crazy.

Here's the video. It speaks pretty well for itself.

Basketbawful reader flohtingPoint reminded me of this sick dunk Kevin Johnson fed to Hakeem Olajuwon back on May 15, 1994. As Mr. Point put it: "Man, they sculpted that dunk out of bronze and gave it to KJ for his retirement trophy."

The Suns didn't really do that...but they should have. (Edit: I was very, very wrong about that. More tomorrow.) Not many players got to use Hakeem as an extra in their poster, at least not while The Dream was in his prime. (The Toronto Raptors' version of Hakeem doesn't count. For anything. Do not bring it up again.) Historical footnote: KJ had 38 points (15-for-31) and 12 assists in that game, but the Suns lost 107-96 despite perfect shooting nights from both Joe Klein (3-for-3) and Oliver Miller (0-for-0).

Of course, Hakeem, being Hakeem, got his revenge just two games later. Oddly, the Suns won that one 103-89.

triple bumble (trip'-uhl bum'-bul) noun. An embarrassing and ignominious triple-double in which one of the three "double" categories is turnovers.

Usage example: Every player wants to achieve a triple double. Unless, of course, it's actually a triple bumble.

Sorry this is late, folks. Even I need a holiday, apparently.

Spurs-Lakers Game 2

San Antonio Spurs: The seven-game series with the Hornets, that night spent sleeping on a grounded plane, the devastating choke job in Game 1 of this series, their age...it was like all of those things caught up with them at once in Game 2. The Spurs shot 34 percent as a team -- including 6-for-23 from three -- and they got slowly and methodically crushed in the second half en route to a 30-point rout. The champs were a step slow everywhere, especially on defense, where they allowed the Lakers to shoot 55 percent.

Manu Ginobili: Manu was San Antonio's worst player in the first game, and he was just as bad -- maybe worse -- in Game 2. Shoeless Joe Ginobili was 2-for-8 from the field, 0-for-4 from distance, and finished with 7 points, 2 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 turnovers, and 2 fouls in 23 pointless minutes.

Yao Ming: Shaquie Chan shot just 3-for-17 against the imposing defense of...Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Which means a traffic cone probably could have held him to 2-for-17 shooting.

Tracy McGrady: Wasn't he supposed to be resting over the All-Star break? That 6-for-21 shooting line suggests that T-Mac must have spent the weekend at Camp CHEN-A-WANDA.

Larry Hughes: He's baaaaaack...by which I mean 33 percent shooting (5-for-15).

LeBron James: Bron Bron had a triple double (26 points, 13 rebounds, 11 assists), but his 0-for-7 first half shooting put the Cavs in a pretty big hole. And they didn't recover.

Bobby Simmons and Charlie Bell: I know that I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: Simmons was Milwaukee's big free agent signing in the summer of 2005 (5 years, $49 million), and Bell was resigned - against his will, no less - by the Bucks last summer (five years, $18 million). I'm no financeologist, but the Bucks aren't getting much of a return on their two huge (and seemingly foolish) investments. Last night, Bell scored 6 points on 2-for-10 shooting and Simmons barely missed a seven trillion by bricking a shot and grabbing a single rebound. Memo to self: Contact Bucks management and ask if they'd like to invest in some rural Indiana swamp land; describe as a nice "fixer upper" opportunity.

I'm not a huge fan of the NBA and I don't particularly care for NBA All-Star weekend. I do however, frequently tune in for the dunk contest. I think this year's contest could be a lot of fun and I just wanted to chime in real quick on my thoughts on the contest and find out who everyone else thinks will be this year's champ.

This year's contest features a great field of defending champ Gerald Green, Rudy Gay, Dwight Howard, and Jamario Moon. All four contestants have used the internet to reach out to fans for suggestions, ideas, extensive sneak peaks, and practice previews leading up to the contest.

When looking at the videos i think the most impressive has to be Jamario Moon's dunk from beyond the freethrow line in this practice run (although someone bumps the camera and you can only see his feet and his reflection!).

Ladies and gentlemen, we at Basketbawful are venturing into new territory: Original programming. No, we're not quite HBO yet, but this is a start. Eventually, we hope this will do for us what it did for MTV...transform a juggernaut-building convergence of spectacular entertainment into an endless string of unwatchable teen reality shows. Next up, Basketbawful's "Road Court Rules" and "Pimp My Blog."

Okay, on to the video at hand: Evil in the hands of Evil Ted on a basketball court becomes a gray, gooey substance called Pure Evil. Pure Evil -- like porn where the chick looks like she actually enjoys taking the money shot -- is a rare thing to come by. What follows is a sad attempt to fabricate that evil on video. If the result looks moronic, then assume we intended it to be that way. If the result looks like genius (it won't), then feel free to make a large donation to our PayPal account.

Kiss Cam (kis kam) noun. An entertaiment feature used during various sporting events in which couples -- usually one man and one woman -- are shown on an arena's JumboTron and then encouraged to kiss by the rabid and voyeuristic crowd.

Usage example: From The Canadian Press: "During a 'Kiss Cam' segment, (Josh) Childress stuck out his tongue with a wide-eyed look and leaned toward (Tyson) Chandler when the pair were shown standing next to each other near the scorer's table."

I already touched on Zach Randolph's pooptastic game against the Raptor's in Worst of the Weekend, but this video - provided by Basketbawful reader Charles - is the dollop of creamy turd pudding on top of the crap cake that Z-Bo served up last night:

Worst. Possession. Ever. Let me recap it for you:

1. Randolph, a (nearly) seven-footer, receives the ball outside of the three-point line.

2. He attempts to break down his defender by dribbling the hell out of the ball, sort of like Isiah Thomas circa 1989, only without the mad handles.

3. He totally loses the rock like somebody abusing the freestyle control on NBA Live and has to run almost out to halfcourt to retrieve it.

4. Then, instead of passing the ball to a teammate, he runs it to the arc and launches an airball.

The best part is when the camera pans to Isiah, who looks about ready to choke a bitch.

Mike on the proper defensive stance: "What I'm always taught, I was always taught, is to try to be shoulder width apart. I like to put my right foot forward so that I can either direct the defensive player uh offensive player where he wants to go. And I can react a little bit better if I'm not too wide, if I'm just shoulder width apart, I think I can react a little bit easier. If I'm on the ball [sic] of my feet, then I'm active, I can move a lot quicker. If I'm on the heels of my foot [sic], then that means I have to get to the ball [sic] of my feet and then react to the offensive player. Sounds complicated, which is probably why most people [chuckle] don't want to play defense."

Basketbawful recap: Put your right foot forward, keep your feet shoulder width apart, and stay on the balls of your feet. Is that too compicated for people to follow? Only if Michael Jordan's teaching it.

If you suck and you know it, clap your hands.
The first game jitters continued last night...

This is Part 3 of our The Worst of Celtics-Lakers series. And just like Return of the Jedi, this third championship meeting between the two teams was ruined by the presence of hundreds of Ewoks. Seriously.

1965 NBA Finals

The Grim Reaper: Walter A. Brown, the original owner of the Boston Celtics, died on September 7, 1964 at the relatively young age of 59. This meant that Brown missed out on watching his team set a franchise record for victories (62) and win their seventh consecutive league championship. He also missed Red Auerbach's first (and only) Coach of the Year award.

Dwight Howard's first three quarters: Thanks to a plague of fouls, Superman finished the third quarter with 3 points on 1-for-3 shooting. Which makes the fact that he finished the game with 19 points and 14 rebounds pretty incredible.

Maurice Evans: The Magic have such an imposing frontcourt that it's easy to overlook how shaky their backcourt situation is. Last night, Evans scored 2 points on 1-for-7 shooting and had only 1 assist.

Joey Graham and Maceo Baston: From Basketbawful reader BranGor: "The dynamic duo of Joey Graham and Maceo Baston recorded 2 one trillions on a Tuesday night showdown with the Magic. As if in synchronization, they both played 1:21." One small correction, though. Baston committed a personal foul, thus defiling his trillion.

Detroit Pistons: The Pistons went 0-for-the-weekend after losing back-to-back games against the Lakers and Kings. That means Detroit has lost three of their last four games. Why? Simple: They've lost their defensive focus. After holding their first five opponents to 87.8 PPG, the Pistons have given up scores of 103, 102, 104, 103, and 105 to their last five opponents -- and that's including games against Seattle (99.4 PPG), Portland (93.7 PPG), and Sacramento (99.4). I'm not a mathematologist, but even I know that a team averaging just under 100 PPG can't give up more than that and win on a consistent basis.

The New York Knicks: It's bad - but sort of expected - when the Madison Square Garden crowd starts chanting for James Dolan to finally put Isiah Thomas out of the Knicks' misery. But it goes from "sad" to "tragically sad" when the "Fire Isiah" chant picks up steam on the road. And that's what happened last night in Philadelphia during during the Sixers' 40-point drubbing of Team Dysfunction. Did New York just roll over and die on defense? Well, Philly shoots 45 percent from the field and averages about 94 PPG on the year. Last night, they shot 57 percent and had 102 points by the end of the third quarter. This is how badly things went for the Knicks: Human victory cigar Gordan Giricek played the entire fourth quarter.

Isiah Thomas: The Baby-faced Assassin sunk to a new low, even for him, placing the blame for last night's stink bomb directly on the broad and pudgy shoulders of twin towers Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph. Said Isiah: "My guy's minds were elsewhere."

The Wounded Tiger is on the prowl.
Wounded Tiger Theory (woond'-ud ti'-ger thir'-e) noun. The theory that a basketball team (or any other sports team) tends to play harder and (at times) perform better despite the loss of one or more key players.

"Hey...do my tonsils look okay to you?"

Bobby Simmons: Back in August of 2005, fresh off a breakout season in which he was honored as the NBA's Most Improved Player, Simmons signed a five-year, $47 million dollar contract with Milwaukee, and everybody in the Bucks organization was flipping their lids. General Manager Larry Harris said, "Bobby is an extremely versatile player and adds depth to our roster at a number of positions. He can score from anywhere on the court, he's a very tough defender and he wants to win.

dirty triple (durt'-e trip'-uhl) noun. A triple-double in which one of the three "double" categories is blocked shots.

Usage example: Before he transformed into a creaky mummy, Dikembe Mutombo was a master of the dirty triple.

Word history: The term was coined by Basketbawful reader LooseChange. Here's what she had to say about it: