"Hey Eddy, I'd play you more minutes,but you're fat...you know, like this."

The Knicks offense: They scored 92 points on 38 percent shooting (30-79) and committed 18 turnovers. During the second quarter, the Knicks went nearly 11 minutes without a field goal. And I feel the need to point out the obvious here: An NBA quarter is only 12 minutes long. New York bricked 10 shots during that 11-minute Gulag. It very rarely gets any uglier than that.

Fun fact: The Knicks are last in the league in assists (17.2).

An injured Chris Paul watches in numb horroras Jannero Pargo takes 21 shots in his place.

Portland Trailblazers: After two impressive homecourt wins against Dallas and Detroit, I wrote "I'm really excited about this Portland team." I must have stat cursed them or something, because the Blazers immediately lost their next four games by an average of 12 PPG, including last night's 101-92 loss to the Bobcats. Would Greg Oden have helped against the 'Cats?

"Got your nose!!
Larry Hughes: The Cavs dropped a 117-116 overtime decision to the Magic, despite a virtuoso 39/14/15 performance from Lebron James. Cleveland might have pulled this one out if Hughes hadn't shot a pathetic 2-12 from the field. This guy is making $12 million this season. Shouldn't he be able to make a jumpshot too?

Kris Humphries: The former Golden Gopher notched a one trillion in Toronto's 91-82 victory over Cleveland.

Fun fact: Lebron James' injury has cracked a hole in the Cav's lineup, and Eric Snow has responded with his best two games of the season: 2 points (0-1), 2 rebounds, and zero assists against the Raptors and 5 points (1-2), 2 rebounds, and 2 assists against the Celtics. Those 7 points give Snow 7 points on the season. The sky's the limit for this grizzled veteran.

Detroit Pistons: The Pistons went 0-for-the-weekend after losing back-to-back games against the Lakers and Kings. That means Detroit has lost three of their last four games. Why? Simple: They've lost their defensive focus. After holding their first five opponents to 87.8 PPG, the Pistons have given up scores of 103, 102, 104, 103, and 105 to their last five opponents -- and that's including games against Seattle (99.4 PPG), Portland (93.7 PPG), and Sacramento (99.4). I'm not a mathematologist, but even I know that a team averaging just under 100 PPG can't give up more than that and win on a consistent basis.

Season-openers are barely more meaningful than preseason games. Players are still working themselves into "game shape," coaches are still trying to determine the optimum eight or nine-man rotation, and everybody is just sort of trying to figure each other out and get it together. The upside is that the situation lends itself to plenty of stink-worthy performances we get to make fun of.

Denver Nuggets defense: The Charlotte Bobcats are 20th in the league in scoring (95.4 PPG), but Denver let them score 119 points. That's the most points the Bobcats have scored since late last season, when they dropped 122 on the Wizards. Memo to the Nuggets: If you want to be legit, you can't let teams like Charlotte score 119 points on you. Still, despite all that, Denver would have won the game if not for...

Here's TSF's NBA Power Rankings as of 12/11.

1. San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs have been impressive even without Tim Duncan. Manu Ginobli is looking to be the sixth man of the year as he scored 37 points twice in back to back wins over the Mavs and Jazz. The Spurs have been themselves lately, playing team basketball, winning, and holding opponents to 92.5 ppg, plus they're on a 5 game winning streak and have won 11 of their last 12.
2. Boston Celtics

Miami Heat: They went 0-for-the-weekend and have lost four in a row overall, dropping their record to a second-next to league-worst 8-23. On Friday night, Miami wasted a 48-point, 7-rebound, 11-assist performance by Dwyane Wade in dropping a 121-114 overtime decision to the Orlando Magic. Things got worse on Saturday night, when the Heat scored only 74 points in a 22-point loss to the Washington Wizards. Said Pat Riley after the game: "One positive point about tonight's game is that this is the last game of 2007. It's been a bad year."

To be a Bobcat is to be unhappy.

Boston Celtics: The Leprechauns were playing at home, where they had been virtually unbeatable since November (and completely unbeatable in the playoffs). Kevin Garnett played big (24 points, 11-for-19, 13 rebounds, 2 blocked shots). Paul Pierce was The Truth (26 points, 9-for-16, 4 rebounds, 5 assists). And Ray Allen even broke out of his three-month-long slump (25 points, 9-for-16). And...they lost anyway. Now they have to win a road game, which suddenly seems like Mission Impossible.

The worst part is: Boston really didn't play all that badly (well, minus some defensive slipups and Doc Rivers letting Ray Allen get into foul trouble, and that unforgivable boner on the Pistons' inbounds play with 20 seconds left). Detroit was just better. And that's got to be depressing if you're a Celtics fan. (Like me.)

Rajon Rondo: The kid had a decent game. Hell, he almost had a triple-double (10 points, 9 rebounds, 8 assists, 3 steals). But his shooting returned to liability status (2-for-9) and he couldn't contain Chauncey Billups (19 points, 5-for-10, 7 assists).

I'm currently writing an impassioned plea to the Suns to stop sucking -- and yes, a 24-10 team can and does suck -- but in the meantime, here's a brief Worst of the Night post with a little something extra: What is possibly the worst and most bizarre Larry Bird commercial of all time (as previously discovered by Matt Watson of the AOL Fanhouse).

"That was a wonderful call! You're doing agreat job! Can I buy you dinner after the game?!"
Jason Richardson and Gerald Wallace: The Bobcats' duo combined to shoot 10-for-28 and commit 8 turnovers. You're not going to beat the Spurs when your big guns are shooting you in the foot.

The New York Knicks: It's bad - but sort of expected - when the Madison Square Garden crowd starts chanting for James Dolan to finally put Isiah Thomas out of the Knicks' misery. But it goes from "sad" to "tragically sad" when the "Fire Isiah" chant picks up steam on the road. And that's what happened last night in Philadelphia during during the Sixers' 40-point drubbing of Team Dysfunction. Did New York just roll over and die on defense? Well, Philly shoots 45 percent from the field and averages about 94 PPG on the year. Last night, they shot 57 percent and had 102 points by the end of the third quarter. This is how badly things went for the Knicks: Human victory cigar Gordan Giricek played the entire fourth quarter.

Isiah Thomas: The Baby-faced Assassin sunk to a new low, even for him, placing the blame for last night's stink bomb directly on the broad and pudgy shoulders of twin towers Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph. Said Isiah: "My guy's minds were elsewhere."

"Hey...do my tonsils look okay to you?"

Bobby Simmons: Back in August of 2005, fresh off a breakout season in which he was honored as the NBA's Most Improved Player, Simmons signed a five-year, $47 million dollar contract with Milwaukee, and everybody in the Bucks organization was flipping their lids. General Manager Larry Harris said, "Bobby is an extremely versatile player and adds depth to our roster at a number of positions. He can score from anywhere on the court, he's a very tough defender and he wants to win.

The Miami Heat: After the Heat's 96-85 loss to the 76ers, Dwyane Wade said: ""It's tough to lose, but it's tougher to be the worst team in the Eastern Conference. You don't know what you're going to see from one night to the next." That statement was so stunning that I actually had to go and double-check the standings, and it's true: Miami (8-21) has the worst record in the Eastern Conference, and second worst (to Minnesota) in the league. They were the 2006 NBA champions, and now they're en route to a possible top three pick in the 2008 NBA Draft Lottery.

"Man, I love playing crappy teams!"

"Yeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrgggghh!!"
Kyle Korver: The hero of the 76ers big road win against the Bucks became the goat in the team's homecourt flameout against the Jazz. After scoring 20 points (8-13) on Tuesday night, Korver scored only 4 points (1-9) against the Jazz. He was also limited to 21 minutes thanks to his 5 personal fouls. Of course, the real villain of the game was the 76ers defense, which allowed the Jazz to shoot 55 percent from the field. Said coach Maurice Cheeks: "We talked before the game about eliminating layups and they (Jazz) had 20-plus layups. That's something I'm trying to stop." Better luck next time, coach Cheeks.

San Antonio Spurs: The Spurs have some issues, most of which were on display last night against the Pistons. By the end of the first quarter, San Antonio was down by 15 points and never really recovered. Sure, they managed to reduce what eventually became a 20-point deficit to single digits late in the third quarter, and they tried to make a game of it in the fourth, but they just didn't have the juice to get the job done.

Memphis Grizzlies defense: Were they even trying to stop the Mavs last night? Dallas shot almost 54 percent from the field and nearly 42 percent from beyond the arc, and they outrebounded Memphis 47-33. In Memphis. Look, I know it's depressing to play for the Grizzlies, but come on now. You're all professionals. Well, sort of.

Devean George: Well, nobody saw that one coming, huh? The Mavericks pull off a blockbuster trade for prodigal son Jason Kidd, only to have the deal blocked by one Devean Jamar George. George has a "virtual no-trade clause" that allowed him to reject the trade because he's on a one-year contract and would lose his "Early Bird" rights. That's a stipulation that would allow Dallas -- and only Dallas -- to go over the salary cap to sign him. Basically, it would maximize his money should Mark Cuban decide, after the season, that he wants to go balls out to sign George to another, more lucrative contract.